There are things in life you can plan for. You plan your meals and meal prep to make sure you stay on track and put the food your body needs in it. You plan your work outfits, you plan your caffeine intake according to your needs. You plan to pay off your car and buy your first house. You can plan your whole life and then wake up the next day to have God hand you a completely different reality.
And it's good. The gift that God hands you presents you a different reality and future than you ever could have hoped or planned for. And it just... works. It makes sense. So you pray through the future, and you jump feet first into it.
That's what I'm in the process of doing. Denver.
I used to tell people all the time that I'd live in Houston forever... but if I had to live anywhere else, it would be Denver. It makes me laugh because God was obviously preparing me to end up there, at least for a while. My heart belonged to Houston for such a long time. I love this city and spent countless hours getting to know it, loving it, learning about it, and being a part of it. And frankly, Houston will always be a part of me. But now, instead of Houston having my heart, John Reed does. He takes care of it well. Yes, it's sweet and sappy, but it's also real and intense. It's the gentle, 'you should call your father' and the head shake when I'm saying the wrong things or misinterpreting scripture. It's the sweet, 'your new dresses look good on you' and the 'you make me smile' that let me know he's the one. It's being able to be in the same room and thriving without saying anything. It's my longest friendship that God has turned into something more. It's good. It's real, and in the last month and a half I have seen more clearly a picture of Christ's love for the church than I ever have before.
When I first realized John Reed wanted to pursue me, I'd asked him how long he'd been thinking about it. On my end, the jury was still out and in my mind I was taking it slow and running down every bunny hole to make sure I wasn't making a huge mistake. He told me I'd been on his heart since January and he hadn't felt it was the right timing before now (April).
It wasn't.
The last six months have been a whirlwind. Anything and everything that could possibly be tossed on me has been. I have spent lots of nights on my knees in prayer and many nights crying out to God to save my family and to heal my heart. That part in the Bible where it talks about the spirit interceding with groanings when we don't have the words? I've felt that on more than one occasion. I also, in this time of my life, was bitter for not having a 'someone' more than once. I have been guilty of thinking 'God, I want someone to cry to, someone to comfort me, someone to hold me, why don't I have anyone?' The response I got was 'Am I not enough, what more could anyone possibly give you that I can't?' Every time it hurt - because my heart is wicked, prideful, and independent. And every time, I had to search my heart and let more of myself go, more of God in. I'd like to say that now, God has complete hold on my heart and he fulfills me completely but that would be lying to myself. I'm still a work in progress. What I can say, though, is through all this pain I HAVE learned that God is enough. If I were diagnosed with cancer, or if someone died, or if a relationship ended or any other life storm was to rear it's ugly head - I stand firm in my God and cling to the only one that will never leave me or forsake me.
So while John Reed was patiently waiting on God to allow him to pursue my heart, God was tilling my heart to make it soft and malleable for John Reed to plant and take seed there. Let me tell you - it's gorgeous. God had this all planned from the very beginning of time. I surely didn't. I didn't plan for any of this to happen and I am so happy that ALL OF IT has... God surely has had the best for both of us even when we didn't see it. When I look back on the past six months of pain, suffering, and longing I see now that God was teaching me to draw near to him- to be rooted in truth and gospel. He was showing me that He is enough - and anything besides him is a gift. So I am thankful. I am thankful for life, breath, sight, desires, happiness, sadness, and people. They are all gifts. This new step in life? Gift. My Citysiders? Gift. My health? Gift. My finances? Gift. My relationship? Gift. God owes me nothing and yet has given me everything. I see this more and more clearly every day and I'm thankful God consistently and constantly finds it in his will to reveal it to me.
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