When I was in high school I had a friend die every year. As I faced each new year as a teen I also expected a new taste of death around each corner. Morbid I know, but in those days, it was sobering and reminded me that life is too short to leave lose ends and to live with drama, pain, and heart break. I did my best to survive those times, but it wasn't easy. I grieved with those who grieved, I hurt with those who hurt, and I comforted as much as possible with what little bit of love that I had to give. When I think back on those years, I think about depression, a messy home life, and a desire to run away in any way possible. While I was helping others, I was falling apart myself but college was just on the horizon and so was a bright future.
In 2005 I took off for college and never looked back. This was my chance to break away from the pain and to forget the past. I truly ran away. Just to run right into a web of half-truth teaching and more pain than I had experienced in high school. I lived three years as a confused college kid coming out of the haze that home life hadn't been normal, that I had more pain to deal with than I thought, and that I couldn't 'fix' or help my friends from college. I graduated college early because frankly, I couldn't handle the pain of being around another year to see people I loved crumble and fall apart.
In 2008 I moved to Houston and never looked back. I had money, what should have been a good career, and a bright future on the horizon, just as before. But money doesn't buy happiness and careers don't equal satisfaction. Falling deeper into depression I made some horrible life choices looking for satisfaction anywhere I could find it. Once again, I ran away.
I ended up in Nevada in 2009 working and that's when I hit my lowest point. that's also when Christ grabbed my heart and he has been holding it tight since. It's a gorgeous story of love, pursual, and redemption but for some reason, I thought that meant life would get easier. It doesn't.
I say all those things as a precursor to tonight. I spent tonight with my best friend and after lots of laughter and a few tears, we came to the realization that life doesn't get easier, and we don't really get better at it. In high school I kept telling myself I just had to survive until college. In college, I told myself I'd be happy once I was out of the hypocritical crazy world I was caught in. Once I had a career and money, I still wasn't satisfied. And now I have the thing that satisfies the most and guess what, life is still hard. We still fight depression. We still have to press into God to get through the day. Life throws curve balls at us daily. There are times I think back to high school and think 'man, that was a cake walk compared to what is happening now' and 'Geesh, I didn't think I'd ever be dealing with this kind of pain, how do I even bear this?'
Thankfully we have someone to bear that burden for us. My hope and prayer is that in 15 years from now, Lindsey and I will be sitting down crying over another hurt and pain and encouraging each other to continually turn to God and let him heal us. Because 15 years from now, I have a feeling that the things that are happening right now will be things that in retrospect weren't that hard after all.
While life doesn't get easier, our ability to trust, rely, and believe in God's continual goodness certainly does.
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. - Romans 12:15
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